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#347: CALL THE ENCLAVE

Mon, 2000 Jun 5

dean

    /\  ____   CALL THE ENCLAVE
    <> ( oo ) /                
    <>_| ^^ |_                 
    <>    @   \                
   /~~\ . . _ |                
  /~~~~\    | |                
 /~~~~~~\/ _| |                
 |[][][]/ / [m]                
 |[][][[m]                     
 |[][][]|                      
 |[][][]|                      
 |[][][]|                      
 |[|--|]|                      
 |[|  |]|                      
 ========                      
==========                     
|[[    ]]|                     
==========                     

#712: SLEEPING DONGEATER

Tue, 2001 Jun 5

Z   z                                  //////////////_                
       Z   O               __\\\\@   //^^        _-    \///////       
    Z    z   o       _____((_     \-/ ____/ /   {   { \\       }      
               o    0__________\\\---//____/----//__|-^\\\\\\\\       
                                                                      
    HERE WE SEE THE SLEEPING DONGEATER                                
                                                                      
    IN SOME PRINCIPALITIES IT IS CALLED THE DONGGUZZLER OR COCKSWIGGER
                                                                      
    EITHER WAY IT REALLY CHOKES THEM DOWN                             

#1077: A JERK STORY

Wed, 2002 Jun 5

best of, word

STEP 1. IT IS BEST TO HAVE SOME VISUAL TO JERK OFF TO.  IN MY CASE, I 
USE PORNOGRAPHY. A DEAD ANIMAL SUCH AS A VOLE OR A RACCOON WILL ALSO  
WORK (THOUGH ONE SHOULD AVOID SKUNKS DUE TO THEIR LEAKINESS), BUT I   
HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE USAGE OF HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY. YOUR NEARBY       
WALDENBOOKS OR STROUDS WILL CONTAIN VAST AMOUNTS OF THIS MATERIAL     
AVAILABLE SIMPLY FOR THE TAKING. FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS TUTORIAL WE 
WILL SHALL USE YOUR STANDARD LEG-SPREADING WHORE:                     
                                                                      
                                                                      
        \2  /\~/\  6/                                                 
         \\ )aa \\//                                                  
          \\(=  //                                                    
         /\(`;' )/\                                                   
        //\`\==/'/\\                                                  
      _/!  \____/  !\_  SC                                            
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 2. FIND SOMETHING TO BEAT OFF WITH. HERE AN ANIMAL CORPSE WILL   
ALSO SUFFICE, BUT WE FIND THAT A GOOD SET OF MITTS OR INDUSTRIAL      
GLOVES WILL WORK WELL. AVOID ANYTHING WITH ASBESTOS. BE SURE TO AVOID 
CUTTING YOUR OWN THROAT OR KILLING A SCHOOLBUS FULL OF NUNS WHILE     
PERFORMING THIS MANEUVER. ALSO AVOID HAMMERS AS THEY MAKE SMASHY      
SMASHY.                                                               
                                                                      
       ___           ___                                              
      /HHH\         /HHH\                                             
     |XXXXX| _     |XXXXX|                                            
     |HHHHH|/H) (H\|HHHHH|                                            
     \XXXXX/X/   \XXXXXXX/                                            
      ||||||'     `||||||  RR                                         
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 3. NOW JERK IT. JERK IT YOU FUCKING WHORE. JERK IT LIKE YOU'RE A 
RUSSIAN PROSTITUTE WHO HAS TO REALLY WORK FOR EVERY RUBLE YOU EARN. AS
WE LACK A GOOD FACE SPURTING ASCII ART WE WILL INSTEAD USE THIS       
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ELEPHANT:                                              
                                                                      
                                                                      
    _  ,--.                                                           
   ;c),. o}`                                                          
   `._,=,   `.                                                        
       / ,    `.                                                      
       `/L`.    )~                                                    
ejm         /_/\_\                                                    
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 4. FINALLY, BLOW YOUR SWEET LOAD YOU DUMB BITCH. IT IS IMPORTANT 
THAT YOU PREPARE IN ADVANCE (STEP 0) BY CHOOSING AN ADEQUATE          
RECEPTACLE FOR YOUR SPURT, CALLED THE JERKNAP. THIS JERKNAP IS VITALLY
IMPORTANT TO THE SUCCESS OF YOUR ENDEAVOR: IF YOU CHOOSE THE WRONG    
THEN YOUR SEED WILL BE WASTED FOR ALL TIME AND YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO
HELL (THE BAD HELL, NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROSTITUTES). ANY GARMENT    
WILL SUFFICE, ALTHOUGH FEMININE FRILLY THINGS ARE HIGHLY RECOMMENDED  
IN ORDER TO HELP YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE ALL ALONE. FOR THE SAKE OF    
ARGUMENT WE WILL SHOW AN ASSORTMENT OF QUEER SHIT:                    
                                                                      
     ___ ___                                                          
   /| |/|\| |\                                                        
  /_| ' |.` |_\                                                       
    |   |.  |                                                         
    |   |.  |                                                         
    |___|.__|  RR                                                     
                                                                      
       =+===                                                          
      / |.  \                                                         
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |_/_\___|  RR                                                    
                                                                      
     ,==c==.                                                          
     |_/|\_|                                                          
     | '|` |                                                          
     |  |  |                                                          
     |  |  |                                                          
     |__|__|  RR                                                      
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 5. NOW THAT YOU'VE JERKED IT BUT GOOD, THE HAZE OF ENDORPHINS AND
SLEEPY EYES WILL PREVENT THE CRUSHING PRESSURES OF DEPRESSION FROM    
KILLING YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER THREE TO SIX HOURS. BUY A FALAFEL OR     
SOMETHING.                                                            
                                                                      
STEP 6. REPEAT.                                                       
                                                                      

#1442: DEFENSE MECHANISM

Thu, 2003 Jun 5

IF THOSE HOOLIGANS ON THE BUS WANT TO MESS WITH ME 
THEY'LL HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS RAPE WHISTLE FIRST
                                                   
                                                   
 `~ _         _____                                
     ` _  ~  7____//                               
- `  ~ _ ~ `/----/(                                
           /    /  `&                              
    ad    (    (     )                             
           `(O)_`&_.%                              
             |                                     
             |                                     
             |                                     
             |                                     
             o                                     

#1808: EAT A GUN

Sat, 2004 Jun 5

mash

 +-'~`---------------------------------/\--               
||"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" \\\\\\  \/~)           
||                                  \\\\\\  \/_           
 |~~~~~~~~-________________-_________________\ ~--_       
 !---------|_________       ------~~~~~(--   )--~~        
                     \ /~~~~\~~\   )--- \_ /(             
                      ||     |  | \   ()   \\             
                      \\____/_ / ()\        \\            
                       `~~~~~~~~~-. \        \\           
                                   \ \  <($)> \\          
                                    \ \        \\         
                                     \ \        \\        
                                      \ \        \\       
                                       \ \  ()    \|      
                                       _\_\__====~~~      
                                                          
  WELP I'VE SURVIVED ANOTHER WEEK OF WORK SO IT'S TIME TO 
  CELEBRATE !!!!!!                                        
                                                          
  HOW ABOUT I EAT THIS GUN ???????                        
                                                          
  BY THAT I MEAN ACTUALLY TAKE IT APART AND EAT THE PIECES
  LIKE CORPORAL KLINGER DID                               

#2173: QUICK TIP

Sun, 2005 Jun 5

canada, french, quebec

              |>    |>     HERE'S A HANDY QUICK TIP FOLKS                
              |_____|                                                    
             /\|/\|/\\       WHENEVER YOU RECEIVE EMAIL FROM SOMEONE     
          __/ L L L L \/\    ALWAYS CHECK THE DOMAIN NAME IN REVERSE     
         //\\ L L L L L |        ORDER !!!!                              
        | L | L L L L L |   |>                                           
 |>   __| L | L L L L L |   |__                                          
 |   / L \L | L L L L L |__/\|/\                                         
 /\_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ L L \        IF YOU SEE:                     
| L | L L L L L L L L L L |L L L |  /\                                   
| L | L L L L L L L L L L |L L L |__||        CA                         
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~                                   
                         ||___________   PRECEDED BY                     
Rc________||            //  L  L  L  /                                   
  L L L  //\\          //  L  L  L  /         QC                         
 L L L  //  \\        //  L  L  L  /                                     
_______// /\ \\       ||__________|                                      
-------|| [] ||       || [] [] [] |                                      
 L L L ||    ||       ||          |  THEN YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND DELETE IT 
=======||             || [] [] [] |  WITHOUT READING IT BECAUSE IT'S     
///////||             ||          |  JUST THOSE FUCKING QUEBECOIS FAGGOTS
 [] [] ||             || [] [] [] |                                      

#2538: THE CASE OF THE BAGEL

Mon, 2006 Jun 5

             ___                                                    
          .-"   "-.    WHO WANTS MY BAGEL                           
        .'   . ;   `.                                               
       /    : . ' :  \                                              
      |   `  .-. . '  |                                             
      |  :  (   ) ; ` |                                             
      |   :  `-'   :  |                                             
       \   .` ;  :   /                                              
hjw     `.   . '   .'                                               
          `-.___.-'    (EDITOR'S NOTE: CAUTION, NOT IN FACT A BAGEL)

#2903: BIZARRE BIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT

Tue, 2007 Jun 5

        ,_                                                           
       /`/>_  _..--.,-._       _                                     
      !  `  `   ,  _)` ``._   ' )                                    
 ____,/i._\ }_/-`-,`,      `---'                                     
''        //   ---//-'                                               
         /       /'       atc                                        
         `-                                                          
                                                                     
    WOW                                                              
                                                                     
      IT'S AMAZING HOW UP CLOSE A VAGINA LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE     
       SOME SORT OF BIZARRE BIOLOGICAL EXPERIMENT GONE HORRIBLY WRONG

#3269: SHRILL WHINING

Thu, 2008 Jun 5

porn

   __,_____                                                       
  (( __.==--" -  -  - - - - -------- ==>                          
  /\(-'                                                           
  `-)))/)))       HEY YOU KNOW WHAT'S A MAJOR TURN-ON ?!?!?!?     
   (((((\(                                                        
    )/)\)\\       INCLUDING PORN OUTTAKES WHERE THE STUPID        
  ,//(((((\\.     WHORE WHINES ABOUT HOW SHE GOT JIZZ IN HER      
 ((( (! !) )))    HAIR ON HER CLOTHES OR ON THE COUCH OR SOME     
 _)))  -   |(_    STUPID SHIT AFTER THE SCENE IS OVER WHEN SHE    
._//\  O  /\\_.   DOESN'T REALIZE/CARE THE CAMERA IS STILL ROLLING
`-'_/`,-.'\-`-                                                    
 ,' \/===\/  `.   BECAUSE SURELY WHAT I WANT TO HEAR AFTER BLOWING
            hjw   MY LOAD IS SHRILL WHINING AND NAGGING           
                                                                  
                  SINCE THAT'S WHAT I NORMALLY FUCKING HEAR ANYWAY

#3634: LOOK AT ME

Fri, 2009 Jun 5

*        .            HEY LOOK AT ME           
               .                               
   *     '       *     I'M A UFO               
                                               
       * .    '     FLAP FLAP FLAP FLAP        
                                               
   ' .                      /  .   *           
              .-'~~~~'-.   /                   
   .      .-~'\__/  \__/'~-.         .         
        .-~   (oo)  (oo)    ~-.                
       (_____//~~\\//~~\\______)               
  _.-~`                         `~-._          
 /O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O=O\     *   
 \___________________________________/.        
   JRO      \x x x x x x x/            `.      
    .  *     \x_x_x_x_x_x/.    '  .     ___   .
              `.           `.         .'| \'.  
                `.     .     `.       | \ / |  
   ' .     *                          '.___.'  

#3999: CENSUS CHOICES

Sat, 2010 Jun 5

census

                     ____ .                                         
                   ###%###%####                                     
                 ######%##%#####                                    
                ########%%#%####                                    
                ##########%%%%%%                                    
                ############%%#%                                    
                ############%%##                                    
                "####_""_""##%#                                     
                  #|L    L###%                %E%E%.                
                  ##  < ' ,#%#                %E%E%EE%%             
                 ,##\  - ,##%%                %E%E%EE%EE%           
                    /\._.## %__               %E%E%E%EE%%EE         
                _.-'  \  / ##  '-.            %E%E%E%E%%EE%%        
               /    \  \/  ##    |             %E%E%E%EE%EEEE       
               |\    \ /  /##  |/\             %E%EEEE%EEE%%%%      
               | |    /  | ##  |  |           /%EEEE%EE%%EEEEEE     
               | /   |  / %%   /  |          | / %%EEEEEEEEEEE'     
               | |  /  /  ##% |   \          |  .Y                  
               |.|-/\-/-__## /\    \._.--.,-'  /                    
               |/%%%%%/%\%##%| \  _/       | /'                     
               %(%%%%(%%%|##%|  \          |/                       
              |%\%%%%|%%%\#%%|   \      _.-/                        
             /|%%\%%%/%%%%|%/|    '_   ._-/                         
            / |%%%|''|%%%%\  |      "---./                          
           |  |%%%%\ |%%%%%| \                                      
          /   /%%%%| |%%%%%\  |                                     
          |  |%%%%%| |%%%"""' |   OKAY OKAY FINE I GUESS WITH ALL   
          \ |%%%%%%| -''      |   THESE BULLSHIT CENSUS PEOPLE      
         / \|%%%%%%|   ||     |   BUGGING ME CONSTANTLY I'LL FUCKING
        /  /|%%%%%%|   ||      |  FILL IT OUT                       
   ____/  / |%%%%%%- | || ^    |                                    
 /      ./  |%%-'    | ||      |                                    
--- > _/    |%| | |  | ||      |  I THINK THIS TIME I'LL BE AN ASIAN
    -"       \\ | |  | ||  | | |  WOMAN WITH FOUR CHILDREN          
               /  |  | |   | | |                                    
               |  |  | |   | | |                                    
               |  |  | |   |/  |                                    
               | /|  \ |   \   |                                    
               |/=|    |       |                                    
               ||=|    |       |                                    
               ||=\    |       |                                    
               ||====  |       |                                    
               ||=====\        |                                    
               |/|==   \       |                                    
                \|     |\       |                                   
                 |     |===.__  |                                   
                 /    | =   .|''                                    
                /=   %  =    |                                      
                ===%%   =    |                                      
               =====    =   |                                       
              ======    =   |                                       
              =====     === |                                       
              =====    ===  |                                       
             =====     ==   |                                       
             ====      =   |                                        
             ====      =   |                                        
             ===       =  |                                         
            ====      =   |                                         
            ===       =  |                                          
           E===       =  |                                          
           EEEE       =  |                                          
           E=EE      == =                                           
           =E="      ====                                           
          EE=E       ====                                           
          EEEE       ====                                           
         =====       ====                                           
         ====        ====                                           
          =          ===                                            
                      "   bonnnie                                   

#4364: BRINK DISCRIMINATION

Sun, 2011 Jun 5

           ____                                                      
         /((   ))                                                    
        ( )6  6( )    I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT BRINK DOESN'T ALLOW       
        (_)  l (_)    PLAYERS TO CREATE FEMALE CHARACTERS            
          \ <> )                                                     
       ____) (_____                                                  
      (   \____/   )                                                 
      ) (   )(   ) (     THAT'S JUST RACIST OR HOMOPHOBIC OR WHATEVER
     / / \      / \ \    IT'S CALLED THESE DAYS                      
    / /   \    /   \ \                                               
    \ \    )==(    / /                                               
     \ \  /    \  / /                                                
      '\\/      \//'                                                 
       '|\`    '|\`                                                  
         \      /                                                    
          \    /                                                     
          )    (                                                     
jgs/akg  /      \                                                    
        /        \                                                   
       /          \                                                  
      /            \                                                 
     /              \                                                
    /                \                                               
    `-....,      ,..-'                                               
           `-..-'                                                    

#4730: OPEN WINDOWS

Tue, 2012 Jun 5

             _           _                            
            //\         /\\                           
           //  \______ /  \\                          
          //   /       \   \\     OPEN WINDOWS MAKE   
         //   /         \   \\     FOR HAPPY BEDFELLOW
        //   /   sSSSs   \   \\                       
       //_  /   sSSSsSs   \  _\\                      
      //`_\     Ss. . s     /_,\\                     
     //   \`   Ss\ _ /Ss  , /   \\                    
    //   / \ \sSs_) (_sSs/ / \   \\                   
   //   /   \_|_  \ /  _|_/   \   \\                  
   \\  /      sS\ _^_ /ss      \  //                  
    \\/          )   (          \//                   
     `==========================='                    
                                                      
drx/ejm                                               

#5095: WORST VACATION EVER

Wed, 2013 Jun 5

                     THIS IS ALL URINE                 
                                                       
                            /                          
                           /                           
                _.---.                                 
               /__.__ `'                               
              ('     `\ `.             ___             
              `|_. ,_. ( '          .-'   `-.          
              (\ q  o- | '        .'         `.        
              )|  {    (  \      :             :       
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~( \ ~ .  \  )~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
               ) `-    `. |                            
     ~~      / /  `     ' '    .                       
         .~ ' (        '_.'\    '~                     
     ~     /(  `-/   ..'    :~.         ~~~~~          
         (/  \    `-'   (   '  '.    kOs               
      ~~~ '.  '-.   . '  >   )  ~~                     
            '~.  `-' -'(/   /) `~~~~~~                 
               `~._     '.-'  ))                       
               ~~~~`'-.~- .                            

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TOYS
FACTOIDS
  • number of strips: 5372
  • first strip created on: Fri, 1999 Jun 25 (14.7 years ago)
  • number of upcoming strips: 0 (0.0 weeks' worth; empty on Tue, 2020 Jul 14)
MORE STUFF Jerk Your Own Adventure, oo, Jerkcity, Viscera!, Her!, Those Drinky-Drink Kids, Exploding Dog, Penny Arcade, VG Cats, Dinosaur Comics, Cyanide and Happiness, Nedroid Comics, Wondermark
MORE ASCII ART Andreas Freise's ASCII Art Dictionary, alt.ascii-art FAQ, Open Directory: ASCII Art, Christopher Johnson's ASCII Art Collection, Joan Stark's ASCII Art Gallery, The ASCII Art Universe