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"I'M THE UNRESTRAINED ID IN UPPERCASE"
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#5372: COSMOS REBOOT (Sun, 2014 Mar 9)
...
#1100: ICE SHELF (Fri, 2002 Jun 28)
#1099: THE MOUSE SPEAKS (Thu, 2002 Jun 27)
#1098: OF COURSE YOU DO (Wed, 2002 Jun 26)
#1097: I'M NOT BITTER (Tue, 2002 Jun 25)
#1096: WHAT IF (Mon, 2002 Jun 24)
#1095: NOT SHOWN (Sun, 2002 Jun 23)
#1094: HAIL TO THE CHIEF (Sat, 2002 Jun 22)
#1093: WIENER DOG (Fri, 2002 Jun 21)
#1092: HEPATITIS B (Thu, 2002 Jun 20)
#1091: HOME INVASION (Wed, 2002 Jun 19)
#1090: TRADEMARK VIOLATION GALORE (Tue, 2002 Jun 18)
#1089: SAD BUT TRUE (Mon, 2002 Jun 17)
#1088: IN HEAVEN (Sun, 2002 Jun 16)
#1087: EXTERMINATE (Sat, 2002 Jun 15)
#1086: JANGO FETT (Fri, 2002 Jun 14)
#1085: PIPE DOWN UP THERE (Thu, 2002 Jun 13)
#1084: NO MAGICAL POWERS (Wed, 2002 Jun 12)
#1083: SHOULD REALLY LEARN (Tue, 2002 Jun 11)
#1082: NOBODY LIKES THE FRENCH (Mon, 2002 Jun 10)
#1081: ASSISTANCE REQUIRED (Sun, 2002 Jun 9)
#1080: MUCOIDS (Sat, 2002 Jun 8)
#1079: LET'S MAKE LOVE (Fri, 2002 Jun 7)
#1078: WIZARD OF POO (Thu, 2002 Jun 6)
#1077: A JERK STORY (Wed, 2002 Jun 5)
#1076: THE SLOTH SPEAKS (Tue, 2002 Jun 4)
#1075: BABY AIDS (Mon, 2002 Jun 3)
#1074: GOO GOO G' JOOB (Sun, 2002 Jun 2)
#1073: CHRISTMAS PISS (Sat, 2002 Jun 1)
#1072: SPACE CORPS (Fri, 2002 May 31)
#1071: WHY NOT JUST SAY PHOTOGRAPHS (Thu, 2002 May 30)
#1070: STUCK (Wed, 2002 May 29)
#1069: CHASEY LAME (Tue, 2002 May 28)
#1068: GANESH (Mon, 2002 May 27)
#1067: STEPHEN JAY GOULD (Sun, 2002 May 26)
#1066: HOW COME (Sat, 2002 May 25)
#1065: TEMPEST FUGIT (Fri, 2002 May 24)
#1064: REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE (Thu, 2002 May 23)
#1063: GIVE IT UP (Wed, 2002 May 22)
#1062: I SHOULDN'T EXIST (Tue, 2002 May 21)
#1061: LOCKER ROOM (Mon, 2002 May 20)
#1060: WITCHBLADE (Sun, 2002 May 19)
#1059: CALL/CC (Sat, 2002 May 18)
#1058: ALMOST WORSE THAN RAPE (Fri, 2002 May 17)
#1057: KATHLEEN TURNER (Thu, 2002 May 16)
#1056: BE A MAN (Wed, 2002 May 15)
#1055: NEVER (Tue, 2002 May 14)
...
#1: SURF'S UP (Fri, 1999 Jun 25)
<<< #1076: THE SLOTH SPEAKS | #1078: WIZARD OF POO >>>

#1077: A JERK STORY

Wed, 2002 Jun 5

best of, word

STEP 1. IT IS BEST TO HAVE SOME VISUAL TO JERK OFF TO.  IN MY CASE, I 
USE PORNOGRAPHY. A DEAD ANIMAL SUCH AS A VOLE OR A RACCOON WILL ALSO  
WORK (THOUGH ONE SHOULD AVOID SKUNKS DUE TO THEIR LEAKINESS), BUT I   
HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE USAGE OF HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY. YOUR NEARBY       
WALDENBOOKS OR STROUDS WILL CONTAIN VAST AMOUNTS OF THIS MATERIAL     
AVAILABLE SIMPLY FOR THE TAKING. FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS TUTORIAL WE 
WILL SHALL USE YOUR STANDARD LEG-SPREADING WHORE:                     
                                                                      
                                                                      
        \2  /\~/\  6/                                                 
         \\ )aa \\//                                                  
          \\(=  //                                                    
         /\(`;' )/\                                                   
        //\`\==/'/\\                                                  
      _/!  \____/  !\_  SC                                            
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 2. FIND SOMETHING TO BEAT OFF WITH. HERE AN ANIMAL CORPSE WILL   
ALSO SUFFICE, BUT WE FIND THAT A GOOD SET OF MITTS OR INDUSTRIAL      
GLOVES WILL WORK WELL. AVOID ANYTHING WITH ASBESTOS. BE SURE TO AVOID 
CUTTING YOUR OWN THROAT OR KILLING A SCHOOLBUS FULL OF NUNS WHILE     
PERFORMING THIS MANEUVER. ALSO AVOID HAMMERS AS THEY MAKE SMASHY      
SMASHY.                                                               
                                                                      
       ___           ___                                              
      /HHH\         /HHH\                                             
     |XXXXX| _     |XXXXX|                                            
     |HHHHH|/H) (H\|HHHHH|                                            
     \XXXXX/X/   \XXXXXXX/                                            
      ||||||'     `||||||  RR                                         
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 3. NOW JERK IT. JERK IT YOU FUCKING WHORE. JERK IT LIKE YOU'RE A 
RUSSIAN PROSTITUTE WHO HAS TO REALLY WORK FOR EVERY RUBLE YOU EARN. AS
WE LACK A GOOD FACE SPURTING ASCII ART WE WILL INSTEAD USE THIS       
HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ELEPHANT:                                              
                                                                      
                                                                      
    _  ,--.                                                           
   ;c),. o}`                                                          
   `._,=,   `.                                                        
       / ,    `.                                                      
       `/L`.    )~                                                    
ejm         /_/\_\                                                    
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 4. FINALLY, BLOW YOUR SWEET LOAD YOU DUMB BITCH. IT IS IMPORTANT 
THAT YOU PREPARE IN ADVANCE (STEP 0) BY CHOOSING AN ADEQUATE          
RECEPTACLE FOR YOUR SPURT, CALLED THE JERKNAP. THIS JERKNAP IS VITALLY
IMPORTANT TO THE SUCCESS OF YOUR ENDEAVOR: IF YOU CHOOSE THE WRONG    
THEN YOUR SEED WILL BE WASTED FOR ALL TIME AND YOU WILL GO STRAIGHT TO
HELL (THE BAD HELL, NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROSTITUTES). ANY GARMENT    
WILL SUFFICE, ALTHOUGH FEMININE FRILLY THINGS ARE HIGHLY RECOMMENDED  
IN ORDER TO HELP YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE ALL ALONE. FOR THE SAKE OF    
ARGUMENT WE WILL SHOW AN ASSORTMENT OF QUEER SHIT:                    
                                                                      
     ___ ___                                                          
   /| |/|\| |\                                                        
  /_| ' |.` |_\                                                       
    |   |.  |                                                         
    |   |.  |                                                         
    |___|.__|  RR                                                     
                                                                      
       =+===                                                          
      / |.  \                                                         
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |  |.   |                                                        
     |_/_\___|  RR                                                    
                                                                      
     ,==c==.                                                          
     |_/|\_|                                                          
     | '|` |                                                          
     |  |  |                                                          
     |  |  |                                                          
     |__|__|  RR                                                      
                                                                      
                                                                      
STEP 5. NOW THAT YOU'VE JERKED IT BUT GOOD, THE HAZE OF ENDORPHINS AND
SLEEPY EYES WILL PREVENT THE CRUSHING PRESSURES OF DEPRESSION FROM    
KILLING YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER THREE TO SIX HOURS. BUY A FALAFEL OR     
SOMETHING.                                                            
                                                                      
STEP 6. REPEAT.                                                       
                                                                      

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  • number of strips: 5372
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